Five Minutes of Gay Fairies
by an awesome blossom
Summary: [Drabbles: LinkPurlo, LinkShad, IliaZelda] A spinoff series of Five Minutes Of continued from Fairy and Gay.  Link is jealous of Ilia's success in love as he becomes increasingly aware of his own relationship failure.
1. Fairy: Link & Ilia

**FIVE MINUTES OF FAIRIES**  
by an awesome blossom  
_While smoking stolen cigarettes, modern Link and Ilia discuss their lives._

An AU drabble series spawned from Five Minutes Of. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

They sat on the stone wall of someone's fence, huddling against each other for warmth against the crisp autumn air while smoking stolen cigarettes. 

Link put his arm around her and drew her closer as he talked. "And then he was all, 'Well how come you'll flirt with Shad and not me' and I just looked at him and said, 'Look honey, all you want is money. If I flirt with you, I'm afraid you'll charge me for the experience.'"

Ilia laughed. "And what did Purlo say?"

"Nothing," Link chuckled as he took a drag. "He kissed me."

"Oh my goddesses! Are you serious? ..._Did he charge you_?"

"Tried to!"

Laughter overcame them as they doubled over, Link going so far as to fall mere feet off the wall. He held out his cigarette as he fell, only concerned about saving it. This of course didn't help Ilia's laughter.

When things in their lungs settled down, Link took another puff amidst the damp leaves. "So yeah, men kind of suck."

"I wouldn't know," Ilia said as she jumped off the wall. "I'm a lesbian."

"Since when?! Girl, you need to tell me this stuff."

She laughed. "I'm telling you now, aren't I?"

"Not cool, Ilia, not cool!"

"Don't worry!" Ilia smirked as she walked off. "You'll be the first one to meet her...tomorrow."

"H-HER?" Link stammered as he rose to catch up.


	2. Gay: Link & Ilia

**FIVE MINUTES OF GAY**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Ilia realizes she's in love; Link realizes he's not._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

They had their truancy almost down to an art, preferring to spend the day in "old people" malls in neighboring towns. With Christmas just a few days away, every retail shopping area was jam packed full of strangers who would never notice them. 

"That's a nice scarf," Ilia noticed as they made their way through the confused mass on their way to the food court.

"Thanks," Link replied, looking down at said scarf, "Purlo got it for me."

Ilia's jaw dropped. "He spent money...on YOU?"

"Okay fine, fine," Link conceded, "I stole it from him. That's almost like a present, right?"

She simply laughed in response, taking his hand as they ducked into a jewelry store right beside the Crunchy Cucco. "Come on, help me find some nice earrings for Zelda. I want something that will shine even in the dark and let everyone know she's mine."

Link laughed. "You sound as if you're in love."

"I think I am."

He watched her eye various sparkling earrings in discrimination, feeling happy for her relationship yet terribly uncomfortable for his.


	3. Green: Link & Purlo

**FIVE MINUTES OF GREEN**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link can't; Purlo won't._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"How come you never take me anywhere nice?" Purlo whined as he hovered over Link's shoulder.

Link struggled to ignore his pesky boyfriend and tried to concentrate on his English homework. "Because I don't have the money to take you anywhere nice. I'm dirt poor, you know that."

"Since when?"

"Always! And why don't you ever take ME anywhere nice?"

"Because I don't want to spend the money to take you anywhere nice."

Link frowned and turned his attention to Purlo, not realizing that he lost that battle. "SEE?"

"Yes, but I'm a miserly, miserable bastard, whereas you are genuine and loving," Purlo reasoned, saying 'genuine' and 'loving' as if they were curses. "You should take me nice places."

Sighing, Link agreed, "You ARE pretty miserable."


	4. Down: Link & Ilia

**FIVE MINUTES OF (falling) DOWN**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link and Ilia talk by the lockers._

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"Hey," Link called as he put his arm around Ilia's shoulders by the lockers as she was gathering her things for the day. "How my favorite dyke?"

Ilia's eyes grew wide and she shushed him. "Not so loud!"

"Sorry, sorry! So hey, you want to skip school tomorrow and go to the park to throw rocks at the ducks? I've been feeling kind of down lately since Purlo's being a prick, so we could even swipe some of your father's cigars?" Link almost rambled, watching her decide what to bring home.

She seemed to consider this for a few seconds before answering. "You know, that sounds fun and all, but I've been thinking. This is our senior year, right? I barely scraped by last year, and I need to get my shit together."

"Oh," Link murmured, taken aback almost. "That's cool."


	5. Classes: Link, Shad, Ilia & Purlo

**FIVE MINUTES OF CLASSES**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Shad's a prick. But Link's just stupid._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"_Please_?" Link whined. "Come on, if you don't let me copy it, I'll be screwed!"

"Well isn't that what you spend all your time doing anyway?" Shad retorted testily as he ate his lunch, trying to ignore Link across from him. "Can't you do your own homework for once?"

Link sighed. "Okay first of all, don't even go into that whole boyfriend thing with me right now. Second of all? Dude, it's our senior year! I'm not going to waste it doing homework."

"Link's had 'senioritis' since he was a freshman," Ilia quipped, flanked by Zelda who just smiled as she picked at her salad.

Rolling his eyes, Link sighed dramatically. "Some friends YOU all are!" He then swiveled in his chair and called across the lunch room, "YO PURLO!"

"He's so desperate to ask Purlo of all people for something?" Shad whispered, and Ilia giggled.

"GOT YOUR ENGLISH HOMEWORK?"

"NO," came the response, "DO YOU?"

"DAMMIT." Then he turned to Ilia, smiling. "And you said we didn't have anything in common!"


	6. Unfortunately: Link & Purlo

**FIVE MINUTES OF UNFORTUNATELY**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Purlo doesn't understand that when you're in a relationship, the sex is supposed to be free..._

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Unfortunately, Link thought, his sex life was killer. As in a serial axe murderer. As in smashed to bits. As in not cool at all. 

"I'm not giving you twenty rupees for a truant, midmorning fuck."

"Why not? What, you think I'm free? That I'm easy?"

Link sighed and rolled his eyes at Purlo. "You're my boyfriend; I'm not supposed to pay for sex with you."

"Cheapskate!"


	7. QOIHAIODHLIDHSLIDGAKSDH: Link & Ilia

**FIVE MINUTES OF QOIHAIODHLIDHSLIDGA;KSDH**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link whines some more._

Prompt "word" for this one really was QOIHAIODHLIDHSLIDGA;KSDH, and I wish it wasn't. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co. The wonderful prompt "word" was made possible by D'Artagnan.

* * *

QOIHAIODHLIDHSLIDGA;KSDH!!!!!

"Link, stop banging your head into the keyboard; it isn't going to help anything!"

Said Internet URL looked up at Ilia ruefully. "But I'm in a bad relationship."

She sighed. "Emo bitching is what your MySpace is for."

He frowned. "How do you do it?"

"Do what, MySpace? It's pretty self-explanatory, though there are some kinks."

"No! I mean, have a good relationship. You and Zelda..." Link's skin between his eyebrows folded up nicely as he looked at her worridly. "All Purlo and I do is have sex and argue. That can't be healthy."

Ilia crossed her arms and sighed. "You're just now figuring this out? Anyway, I can go on as much as I want about how Zelda and I make things work, but this is something you've got to figure out yourself. Besides, you've been whining for a couple of drabbles now; it's about time you do something."

Link stared at Ilia until she eventually left; then he whined some more on his Livejournal.


	8. Yeast Infection: Link & Shad

**FIVE MINUTES OF YEAST INFECTIONS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_A drunken Link on the rebound utters to Shad the worst pick-up line in history._

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"I think I have a yeast infection in my throat," Link sighed drunkenly as he slouched against Shad, his not-quite-voluntary partner in crime. He took another gulp of his rum and coke.

Shad sighed as his voice trembled a bit, uncomfortable by the proximity. He knew Link was on the rebound, and... "Is, uh, is that so?"

"Yeah," Link confirmed, "it itches like crazy, and I can't really scratch it. I think I need your dick to do the trick."

Slapping his hand onto his forehead, Shad groaned and shoved Link away. He had known it was a bad idea to invite Link over to "study" world history after the fifth breakup he had with Purlo that year. Of course, to Link, studying naturally meant bringing a bottle of stolen rum over. "You know, I think Napoleon Bonaparte would do it for you."

"Was he hot?"

"Not particularly."

Link whined. "_Shad_! You're supposed to comfort me with hot guys, not megalomaniac midgets!"

"Just think, midgets don't have to wear out the ligaments in their knees as much!"

"OH GODDESSES SHAD!" Link groaned like one groans at something awesome like 'get thee to a punnery!'. Then he paused. "Hey, how tall are you?"

"TALLER THAN YOU."


	9. Makeup: Ilia & Zelda

**FIVE MINUTES OF MAKEUP**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Ilia wonders what kind of lesbian she is._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Ilia doesn't know whether she wears lipstick or chapstick.

Link says she's definitely a chapstick-wearing gal because he knows how she can give as good as she takes, and as a childhood friend he has taken the piss out of her many times; he says he can't imagine her in a dress, and it's true that she doesn't know what she's going to do for prom.

Shad says she's more of the lipstick type because she loves shopping and gossiping with the girls; she's creative and loves animals, he claims, but most of all she doesn't look like a man.

Zelda says it doesn't matter what makeup she wears because she loves kissing her soft lips anyway.


	10. Sleepover: Link & Shad

**FIVE MINUTES OF SLEEPOVERS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Ancient cave paintings put in a bad, bad context.  
_

Warnings for sex and being written while kind of drunk. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

He gripped his buttocks so tightly that Shad was afraid he'd leave a tell-tale bruise, a definite sign that Something Had Happened. Shad groaned as he outright plowed his penis right into Link's tight anal entrance.

Link moaned and arched his back, his mouth opening and closing like a fish drowning on air. He flicked his tongue out onto his red lips, and at once Shad shuddered as he watched him.

He huffed and he puffed and he blew his load right into Link's ancient anal cavities now covered with tribal sperm art.

Shad groaned a bit more as he slid from Link and they plopped together on his bed in silence, save for the sound of their heavy breathing catching a break. When Link put his arm around Shad's shoulders, the nerdling leaned into him, not quite knowing what to do.

"Purlo's gonna kill me," Link murmured sleepily as he dozed off right above Shad's hair.

"I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER BETWEEN YOU TWO."

Link awoke with a start, glared at Shad, and then went back to sleep.


	11. Coffee Cake: Ilia & Zelda

**FIVE MINUTES OF a (slavonic) COFFEE CAKE (dance)**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Which goes best with coffee: TV or cake?_

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"What do you think goes best with coffee?" Zelda asked once as she lounged around with Ilia's head in her lap on lazy Sunday morning. "TV or cake?" 

Ilia frowned slightly and reached a hand up to touch the end of Zelda's nose (there was a flat part there that she was particularly enamored with). "Neither of those are very good for you, and as I recall you refer to the telly as rubbish in motion. And every time I can coerce you into eating cake, you complain that it goes right to your thighs! Which are very lovely and will continue to be lovely no matter what you eat, by the way."

Zelda just rolled her eyes and swatted Ilia's hand away. "You're skirting the issue! TV or cake, and yes you HAVE to choose."

"Well," Ilia sighed, "coffee is very stimulating while TV is depressing, and you might think that they'd cancel out, but I really do think you'd wind up sitting on an ant hill with ants in your pants. However, coffee with cake is just added calories, and since we are modern ladies it's best to avoid that issue entirely."

Poking Ilia's stomach, Zelda replied, "You still haven't decided!"

"Cake," she said suddenly as she sat up. "Coffee goes best with cake because then you'll complain about your thighs." Then she leaned in and kissed Zelda fully. "And I shall be there to assuage all your worries and extoll the wonders of your body..."


	12. Neglecting To Think Of You: Link & Purlo

**FIVE MINUTES OF NEGLECTING TO THINK OF YOU**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Swish! Swish! Bob! _

The word is "trajectory" but I wanted to keep "p"s... _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

_Swish! Swish! Bob!_

"You're a fucking asshole, you know that," Link murmured as Purlo SWISH SWISH BOB'd his way to divine victory (which was really the hellish sucking of a penile part with potential projectry). "Should have stayed with Shad..."

"Should have!" Purlo agreed as he sucked rupee upon rupee out of Link's dick (five, ten, twenty, fifty!).

_Swish! Swish! Bob!_

"But...I hadn't thought of you in a while," he murmured, and Purlo hummed in agreement (vibrations of sentiment traveling up toward where the brain actually resided in an excess of y's). "And, well..."

Purlo detached himself (push the "off" button to stop the suction machine, ma'am) quite elegantly and smirked. "That'll be ten more rupees to finish, sir."

Link scoffed. "Like hell!" and like magic (magic magic magic those words were - that it was!) Purlo began to

_Swish! Swish! Bob!_

_Bite!_


	13. Smooth Liquidation: Link

**FIVE MINUTES OF SMOOTH LIQUIDATION**  
by an awesome blossom  
_The age old tale of Rupee and the Tramp (Stamp)_.

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"Hey, man, you see it? You see it there, right?" they crowd around, interrupting his precious worship that is the worship of the toilet god (and what a god that is). "On your lower back, man!" 

He doesn't care, really, Link fucking doesn't. He's too busy indulging in glossolalia SPEWING FROM HIS MOUTH to care.

Who the fuck cares if he has "Property of the Rupoor God" tattooed on his lower back?

His parents.

(oh shit)


	14. Cornbread Faggot: Link & Ilia

**FIVE MINUTES OF CORNBREAD FAGGOTS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link can bake, not cook._

Prompt came from a mondegreen of the song "Step Aside For The Man" by Scissor Sisters, and, well, vodka. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"Go go go Cornbread Faggot!"

"I can't fucking cook, dude."

Ilia frowned slightly (a pout on delicate lips), and put her hands on her hips. "Well...for one, I'm not a dude. And two, who's going to bake this cornbread if you can't?"

"Uh, you?"

"Uh, no?" Ilia rolled her eyes, and Link rolled his eyes, and together they formed an eye-rolling team (go for the gold!). "Can't cook, man. You're the cooker here."

Link sighed. "Wrong, Miss I-Like-Axe-Wounds. I'm the BAKER here."

"What the fuck do you think you do to cornbread, asshole?"

Parting his lips to deliver a no-doubt witty and scathing retort, Link suddenly stopped and became a sheep.

"Uh huh," Ilia's eyes said, but her lips just smirked.


	15. Naked Except For Hats: Link & Purlo

**FIVE MINUTES OF BEING COMPLETELY NAKED EXCEPT FOR HATS**  
by an awesome blossom  
_Insert coin to ride._

MATURE. In response to an anonymous kink request that was surprisingly not by me. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Link sighed and shot his naked partner (save for the hat) a sharp look. "For the ninth time, Purlo, I'm not paying you. We're boyfriends, and boyfriends do not pay each other for sex."

Adjusting his hat, Purlo whined, "But you owe me money! It cost precious gas money to get to your house, and I could be at my house selling your things on eBay!"

Taking of his hat briefly to scratch his head, Link replaced it. Instead Link took Purlo's hand and ran it over his bare chest and down to cup his naked penis. "Come on, Purlo... Forget about the money for a while."

"What? Forget about the money? Are you crazy?"

"That's right, I forgot you think about money more than you think about sex."

Purlo smirked as he gave Link's cock a languid stroke. "So it's only natural that I want to be paid for sex, right?"

Link rolled his eyes but then stopped when he suddenly was struck by an idea. "Hey Purlo...bend over."

"I told you I'm not letting you fuck me until you pay!" Purlo protested but bent over anyway.

"Don't worry," Link murmured as he kissed his boyfriend's butt-cheeks and grabbed some spare coins from a pocket in his pants that were strewn loosely across the floor, "I won't."

Into Purlo's anus went a penny, then a nickel, dime...


End file.
